Feeling unloved or like you don't matter in your relationship along with the echelon of responsibilities can be very tough when we spend so much of our time isolated and within our screens and phones each day. With the stressors of the world mounting. Worries of sickness, economy, and staying afloat, feeling connected with your mate can feel like a daunting task or one that you just don't have time to even do. Most of the time if you are both feeling that way to even find the words to discuss it could make your partner feel defensive. But if you don't nip it in the bud sooner than later there won't be much celebrating to be had in your courtship together. So to fix this "catch 22" we thought putting together a simple steps to the spark training would be perfect. Little things that kindle the flame and fill a soul.
This is why planning a little time to be intimate is important and can be done in even the most chaotic schedules. By "intimate" we don't mean in the bedroom.
Mini Love Letter
So easy but its the thing that can be done very simply and makes a day. Send a fun text / love note. Even a fun screen shot of something you're doing or something you saw that makes you think of them. Remember, you did these things all of the time when you first met. The whole idea is to find that spark and keep it going.
The Littlest Gift
Picking up something even it's your love's favorite gum and sticking on the counter with a note. For some reason when you purchase something it has an effect on the other person. Even if you purchased a box of paper clip s because you know they like office supplies. The fact that you're goin about your day and you pick up an item that you didn't have to will surely make your partner say "hey, they haven't forgotten I matter". Make it more fun with a little wrapping using a paper bag or put inside empty jewery box and make a bow out of twine or what ever ribbon you have laying around.
Picking out their clothes every once in awhile
This is not something I would suggest every day, because let's face it....Control Central!! But knowing what your partner likes to see you in is empowering because we do often care about how our partner views us. Thus we take those opinions to shape how we think the world views us as well. So every once in awhile picking out what your partner wears is something fun and sensual to share. Putting a little note in their pocket to find is an added bonus. This could also make for some very fun text messages through the day referring to why they or you picked out what you did.
The love list
So say you have been doing these little somethings and you actually get a moment to jot some things down. One of the biggest subjects couples tackle if they get to therapy is "I don't know why they love me anymore because I don't see it in their actions". So take a few minutes to write down three things that you truly love about your partner every week or a few times a month. Give it to them any way you want but its a reminder that they can refer back to. The both of you have to remember that there is no right or wrong answer to this however. Agree to do this non judgmentally and don't focus on the order they write things down or what they say is important to them. There's a lot you can tell about ta person's love language on how they like to be loved based on their answers. For example if someone writes:
"I love that you find me in the house kiss me goodbye even if you're running late" may say that physical touch is a top love language to them.
If someone writes "I love that you pick up my socks and towel from the floor" would suggest acts of service is a love language that's important to them.
" I love when you converse affectionately about our relationship to others" would suggest words of affirmation is their love language.
"I loved having lunch with you in the middle of the work day" would suggest quality time is important to them.
"I love when you bought me my favorite candy in the jumbo sized bag" would suggest receiving gifts is a top love language to them.
Once you have done the love list ( and hopefully our weekly couples check in worksheet free when you subscribe to our newsletter). You can create. space to carve out some time for each other. In our short worksheet that you can download when you subscribe to our newsletter you get a few of the ways to incorporate the tools we listed above elaborately and on a regular basis. Then you set aside time. Here's the love language of quality time. Whether that is your partners top love language not you need that connecting outside of a bedroom to even get to the bedroom.
So here are some wonderful easy to plan dates to get you started.
1) Netflix Carpet Picnic
Yes we do actually mean get down on the rug layout a blanket and even if it's goldfish crackers and microbrew, snuggle with your partner while watching something together. Set the date and time and adhere. And absolutely No phones!!!
2) Bike Ride
Plan fun little bike ride that includes a stop at a local pub for a little brunch or dinner. Getting in the outdoors is not only refreshing and gives you time to be distracted from the hub bub of life but makes you focus on each other and nothing else even for a couple hours.
3) Cooking Class
Food always makes people gather and with so many food trends out there cooking and learning together is always a great thing. Cooking classes have increasingly been becoming more popular as people are eating more and more at home and more healthfully. Besides think of how sexy your mate is in an apron when showing off the things they've learned for you at home. Some local places to check out www.vomfossusa.com and https://cooksofcrocushill.com/cooking-classes/date-night/
4) Rub Down
Massage each other. Touch that is without expectation is a very powerful thing. Without intent but to just have care and to relax make this date even more special by setting the scene. Light some candles, dim the lights. Find the meditation station on your Amazon Prime Music and do some light to medium massage for about 20 minutes each ( so five songs or so). When massaging your partner try to thing positively about your love and the trials you have overcome. Vibrant and positive energy during a massage is also a very powerful thing. After you have each gotten your turn, sit criss crossed facing each other and do some meditational breathing together setting intention for bringing peace and joy to your relationship. Once you've done this for each other maybe try booking a couples massage where you can be massaged in the same room by two therapists together at the same time experiencing each other's vibrant relaxed energy.
5) Volunteer Together
Doing something selfless together can make you view your partner more deeply.
Whether it be something at a church like hosting a couples bible study or packing / serving food at a shelter. Find a cause that you are both passionate about or alternate causes if you want to give to two different things. From Community gardens to Dress for Success there is something for everyone to give back to. Seeing how you have each other to face hardship when you see others needing so much is a beautiful thing in a relationship.
6)Lead by Example
Plan a dinner party celebrating your partnership and commitment.
If you are engaged you are already planning the utmost party, your wedding. But what if you've been married or just together for awhile ( or sometimes a long while). Even if it's just for a little while celebrating your love and sharing it with others is inspiring to them and a building block to your relationship.
We hope that these tips give you a jump start to developing or keeping a foundation for a solid partnership and deeper intimacy in every area of your relationship.
For more tips in love, celebrating, and living your best celebrated life grab a copy of Adore Magazine! And don't forget to subscribe to our newsletter to get that couples worksheet and more fun gathering and party tips in life, love, and all that is celebratory!